Today I’m unsure of who I am, what I want, where I’m going, or what I believe. Ever have a day like this? I’m certain of where I came from, who I was, where I’ve been, and what I used to believe. My reality is shaken, unsure, and melancholy. I am in a funk; a restless and confused shadow of myself.
The literary competition results will be revealed on Monday, for better or worse. I’ve become obsessed, checking my e-mail to see if someone, anyone has discovered my fate. My in-box is empty, which makes my soul feel empty. My wonderful mentor has reminded me, to prevent me from becoming steeped in the contest drama, that my manuscript was good before it was submitted. He says, “It doesn’t matter if it ever wins an award, it is a strong, powerful, and worthwhile piece.” I am blessed to have this man in my corner. Actually, I am blessed with a few people who repeat these sentiments, using their own words.
I have completed chapters one through four of my book. I can see the finished product in my head. Each chapter has it’s own title and identity, not “Chapter 1,” or “Chapter 2.” Really, it is a collection of essays pertaining to the BIG subject. They will be arranged in chronological order, as they happened. I can see the Table of Contents, which will guide the reader to the scene of their choice. The cover will be of a minimalist design, with the title front and center. I can see it, it is real.
I will keep on writing until it is complete, hopefully by the end of July. It is moving fast, like it was meant to be written. Why do I care about a frivolous contest?
I need to pull myself together and stand strong. I have felt weak and needy, completely outside of myself. Where is my “balls out” attitude?
