Archive for January, 2009
{ January 30, 2009 @ 10:08 pm }
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{ Tags: blogging, career, classroom, college, culture, friendship, funny, humor, inspiration, life, people, personal, random, random thoughts, teaching, thoughts, women, writing }
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I’m not sure what’s happening, but it’s coming over me, taking my drive and focus to a far away land. Here I am, on the brink of achieving all that I’ve worked so hard for and I’m heading into an abyss of self-sabotage. What gives?
I suppose at the root of my current funk is the disillusionment of University education. I expected to be challenged, to expand on my community college education. What I have is boredom, laziness, and the knowledge that I’m almost over prepared for where I’m at. Is it going to be this way the entire time? Am I going to look back and question the monetary investment? I’m hoping that grad school will feed me, as I will most definitely be starving by then.
The high point of my week found me back at Delta. I was asked to guest speak to a class of honors students about my writing, creative process, and so the students could “meet the author.” One of my essays is featured in their Composition II course pack. Included with my essay is a commentary about the development and revision of that piece. I’m proud of my work and feel honored to be included in the teaching process. The students were full of questions and one even e-mailed an essay for my “expert” critique.
While I was conversing with a faculty member, my former Honors Speech professor asked me to speak to her students as well. This group wasn’t as serious and I would even go so far as to call them an unruly bunch. The boys were flirty and kept questioning my age: “Are you seriously 33? I just don’t see it!” As flattering as that is, he took it a bit too far. I handled it well, but hated being in that position. I did get a chance to talk to the students about autism awareness, which is always a good thing!
I stopped by to see a few other friends on the faculty and was met with smiles and hugs. I can’t wait to be done with my education and get into the classroom! I feel so blessed to know so many future colleagues. 
I’ve got to pull out of this mood and push forward, persevere, kick down a few doors! Where is that overachiever that dwells within me? I’m afraid she’s going to tell the world to fuck off. She’s done this before. If you see her, tell her to shut up!
{ January 25, 2009 @ 4:17 am }
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{ Tags: blogging, children, culture, elementary school, family, funny, humor, inspiration, kids, life, love, marriage, mothers, parents, people, personal, random, random thoughts, relationships, thoughts, women, writing }
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I had her in my minivan not four minutes before learning that her mom and dad never sleep together, there is no laughter in her home, and her mom and dad fight every minute. Gulp. This information, the kind of information that parents pray never leaks out of their home, was flowing and detailed and oh so anxious. The pieces finally fit together as I glanced at the six year-old sitting in my backseat.
Mary had her first “official” sleepover tonight with her BFF Ashley. They were in kindergarten together, but only became inseparable this year in first grade. In my experience with Ashley and her family, I knew something was amiss. I couldn’t even tell you how I can to this conclusion, but it lies somewhere in the way her mom communicates with her in baby-talk, the agression and defiance her nine year-old sister displays when interacting with adults and peers, and just an overall feeling that the story goes deeper.
So, knowing the details that have been forced upon me, I feel for this little brown haired girl with a dimple on her chin. My precious daughter loves her friend and didn’t know how to respond to the facts presented. Mary’s home is full of warmth, cuddles, and laughter. Her parents sleep together, are respectful of one another, and hardly raise their voices in anger (not that we don’t sometimes feel it!). She is exposed to family dinners, Uno marathons, and praise and encouragement.
Before bed, Mary came and whispered in my ear, “Mommy, what can we do for Ashley?” I thought of all that was now exposed and whispered back, “We give her a place to breathe and enjoy. Mostly, we let her feel our love.” Mary was quiet for a moment, looking at the floor as if to ponder my response. Then, as if snapping out of a trance, she boisterously declared, “Good call!”
I am blessed.
{ January 20, 2009 @ 6:09 pm }
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{ Tags: Barak Obama, blogging, culture, family, funny, history, home, humor, inauguration, inspiration, life, love, men, people, politics, random, random thoughts, relationships, thoughts, women, writing }
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Although I didn’t vote for Barak Obama, the significance of this day, the result of Americans raising their collective voice, was not lost. I watched a moment I never dreamed to see, listened to words I never expected to hear, and reveled in emotion I never thought I’d feel.
I skipped school to watch the inauguration of our 44th President. I’m and overachiever and NEVER skip, but had a need to watch another poignant moment in America’s history. I dare any professor to argue or berate my absence.
As a self-proclaimed independent conservative, I was able to put aside my issues with the incoming administration, and watch as an ineffective administration hit the road. That has to say something for who I am and my basic feelings for humanity, not politics. As a mother and wife, I watched the grace and graciousness of Michelle Obama, the poise and beauty of her two little girls, as well as her history making husband. I don’t know how she manages to keep her brood as grounded and humble as they seem to be, something most American families struggle with. I applaud her.
I was touched by Rev. Rick Warren’s prayer, noted the irony of Chief Justice Roberts swearing in the very man who voted against him, enjoyed the instrumental performance, as well as Ms. Aretha Franklin, and listened with a focus I’ve never posessed, the words of our new leader.
I bawled like a baby at different times, swelled up with pride at others, but overall, I finally felt the “it’s a new day” feeling that everyone has talked about. Could it really be a new chapter in our nation’s history? Have we really come as far as we believe we have? Will I be able to watch the next State of the Union address without rolling my eyes or throwing dirty looks?
God Bless America and all who lead us.
{ January 19, 2009 @ 4:48 pm }
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{ Tags: Autism, blogging, children, culture, education, family, funny, home, humor, inspiration, kids, life, love, Parenting, parents, random, random thoughts, relationships, thoughts, women, writing }
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Yesterday it dawned on me: Every mother should have a stunt double!
After spending the day attempting to corral Ryan, I reached a point where I just needed a break. When I’ve reached this point, I’m beyond patience, understanding, coping, and other coveted assets used by parents of special needs children. Basically, I turn into someone I don’t recognize, someone I don’t even like. How do you stay intact and still be effective? Two words penetrated my psyche: Stunt double.
My stunt double would be able to grocery shop with two small children and not be fazed by the whining, complaining, and neediness. She would also be able to deal with Ryan’s need for repetitive noises, none of which are pleasing to my ears. My stunt double would be able to play board games with Mary, never feeling guilty about what isn’t being done. She would also be able to answer the daily 500 questions put forth by each child without breaking a sweat or being caught without certain knowledge. My stunt double would be fierce and capable, going to IEP meetings and getting whatever she asked for, enriching Ryan’s educational experience.
Having a stand in would allow me to only participate in the things I cherish: Baking treats for my babies, volunteering in their classrooms, hauling them to eye, dentist, and well-child appointments. I could then be a “Super Mom,” one that only has eyes for her sweeties. And at the end of the day, I could lay with them, knowing all is well, nothing has been overlooked, unscrubbed, disorganized, or unpaid. At the end of the day, as I wrap them in my arms and tell them an intriguing bedtime tale, my children would know they truly are the center of my existence.
Oh wait, and I may get some mommy time as well!!!
{ January 17, 2009 @ 10:33 pm }
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{ Tags: blogging, culture, decorating, family, funny, home, house, humor, inspiration, life, people, random, random thoughts, shopping, thoughts, women, writing }
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We’ve been living in our new home since July 2007. In this time I have done nothing to beautify my surroundings and thus haven’t been able to really connect with my “home.” I spend my days engulfed in eggshell walls, staring out undressed windows, and feeling naked, unfinished, exposed. I’ve bought candles that smell cozy: homemade apple pie and cinnamon stick. I’ve hung mirrors in the dining room and purchased new furniture. Where do I go from here?
Today I found myself shopping for new window treatments for the family room that is currently being used as a laundry and toy catch-all. The room is in the lower level of our tri-level, has a brick fireplace and ceramic tile floor. I want to clear out the junk and warm it up with paint, a rug, bookshelves, and a good furniture arrangement; however, I am not a decorator, and posess no attention span to complete the transformation.
As I type this blog entry, I am feeling suffocated by my new window treatments, new throw pillows, and a concept locked in my head. What’s a girl to do?
{ January 8, 2009 @ 4:50 am }
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{ Tags: Autism, blogs, culture, family, funny, humor, inspiration, life, loss, love, men, mothers, Parenting, people, personal, random, random thoughts, relationships, sons, thoughts, women, writing }
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As a mother, there are certain decisions you have to make, regardless of the consequences. Today I made one of those decisions. I knew it would be painful and sad, but I had no other choice.
As I’ve mentioned before, my autistic son hates change. That means anything from getting new appliances to changing schools. In the middle of those two examples is parting with old bedding.
I bought Ryan a comforter about 5 years ago. Since he is so sensitive to the texture of different materials on his skin, it was a crap shoot whether he’d be able to use it. To my delight, he found it most pleasing. Fast forward to the present, and said comforter was officially on it’s last legs. One corner was torn open, thus exposing the poly fill. The last time I washed and dried “comforter,” the poly almost caught on fire. I explained to Ryan that we were going to have to say farewell to his cozy covers. He was resistant and made a compromise. I would wait to trash “comforter” until it needed another wash. Today was the day.
While he was at school, I made Ryan’s bed with the new quilt I’d picked up last year. He’s had it in his room, but still preferred his old covers. Having disposed of “comforter,” I knew bed time was going to be tough. Oh, how right on I was. I think it was harder on me.
Pulling back the quilt on his bed, Ryan asked where his favorite covers were. I told him it was time to let his comforter go. He cried and held on to me. I snuggled with him under the new quilt, hoping to soften the blow. He said how much he loved the smell of his old comforter and that it was like a best friend. This is a very common attachment for an autistic child, so I expected these sentiments. But then it went further: “It feels like my best friend died.” And the knife plunged deeper into my heart. His tears continued to fall and he kept saying how much his heart hurt. I told him that it wouldn’t take long for his new covers to “get his smell” and that I’d wash them in the same soap as the old ones. He seemed comforted by my promises and silently wiped his tears.
I stayed with Ryan until he fell asleep and have peeked in on him several times since. My heart hurts for my son, because I caused him unintentional pain, and I also understand loss. Ryan has always formed deeper bonds with objects rather than people and so this heartache is very real for him. I hope the new covers do their job-hug my son in the night, keep him warm, and become his new best friend.
It’s hard making decisions.
{ January 6, 2009 @ 4:13 am }
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{ Random Ramblings }
{ Tags: blogging, blogs, career, education, funny, humor, inspiration, life, love, mental health, movies, people, personal, random, random thoughts, teaching, thoughts, women, writing }
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I don’t suppose there is really anything I feel pressed to write about, but I feel pressed to write. Does that make sense? My mind is racing, thoughts are nagging, hands are itching. I describe this state of being by borrowing my favorite line from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure: “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!”
Next Monday is my first day at university, which I am now at peace with. It was rough for a while, but I’ve put the whole thing into perspective and am viewing it as the next adventure in my mid-life college journey. Frankly, I chalk it up as more material to include in my manuscript!
Today I got a job offer/proposition that has me spinning in circles. I have time to think it through, which is a very good thing. I’m all about strategy and experience at this point and can’t really afford to make a hasty decision. Oh, what to do??
That’s it for now, nothing profound and life changing to report. I’m still a bit crazy and disheveled, a tad scatter brained and neurotic, but nothing a trip to Magic Doug can’t fix!! That reminds me…
