My Humanity

As a mother, there are certain decisions you have to make, regardless of the consequences. Today I made one of those decisions. I knew it would be painful and sad, but I had no other choice.

As I’ve mentioned before, my autistic son hates change. That means anything from getting new appliances to changing schools. In the middle of those two examples is parting with old bedding.

I bought Ryan a comforter about 5 years ago. Since he is so sensitive to the texture of different materials on his skin, it was a crap shoot whether he’d be able to use it. To my delight, he found it most pleasing. Fast forward to the present, and said comforter was officially on it’s last legs. One corner was torn open, thus exposing the poly fill. The last time I washed and dried “comforter,” the poly almost caught on fire. I explained to Ryan that we were going to have to say farewell to his cozy covers. He was resistant and made a compromise. I would wait to trash “comforter” until it needed another wash. Today was the day.

While he was at school, I made Ryan’s bed with the new quilt I’d picked up last year. He’s had it in his room, but still preferred his old covers. Having disposed of “comforter,” I knew bed time was going to be tough. Oh, how right on I was. I think it was harder on me.

Pulling back the quilt on his bed, Ryan asked where his favorite covers were. I told him it was time to let his comforter go. He cried and held on to me. I snuggled with him under the new quilt, hoping to soften the blow. He said how much he loved the smell of his old comforter and that it was like a best friend. This is a very common attachment for an autistic child, so I expected these sentiments. But then it went further: “It feels like my best friend died.” And the knife plunged deeper into my heart. His tears continued to fall and he kept saying how much his heart hurt.  I told him that it wouldn’t take long for his new covers to “get his smell” and that I’d wash them in the same soap as the old ones. He seemed comforted by my promises and silently wiped his tears.

I stayed with Ryan until he fell asleep and have peeked in on him several times since. My heart hurts for my son, because I caused him unintentional pain, and I also understand loss. Ryan has always formed deeper bonds with objects rather than people and so this heartache is very real for him. I hope the new covers do their job-hug my son in the night, keep him warm, and become his new best friend.

It’s hard making decisions.