Archive for July, 2008

Magic Doug and the therapy chair

Hello faithful readers! Long time, no blog! So sorry for that, but it couldn’t be helped. I’ve been reeling from my first session with Magic Doug, and have felt a bit unglued. The downer is that I have to go back next Tuesday for round 2.

He is actually a nice man, and I feel that he’s really hearing me, which are two words I never thougt would accompany the same sentence: Man and hearing. Of course, the first session is all about paperwork and background, which is quite difficult for me. If you had my upbringing, you’d agree, I can assure you. So, for the introductory hour, we covered my parents divorce, living in poverty, an absentee father, an overwhelmed single mother with MS, and the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of a neighbor. Whew! Poor Doug just sat there and looked bewildered. Maybe I gave a little too much?

My homework was to journal daily (which took me away from my precious blog), eat a balanced diet, exercise, and get at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night. Yeah, sure. Anyway, I’m working on it.

On a positive note, I was approached about doing some freelance copy writing for an e-commerce business. I haven’t done this sort of work before, but I’m researching and pondering it. Thank God I have a very diverse group of friends, including a former copy writer. He will be a great wealth of information! Also, I have a new work of fiction published on the front page of The Tridge, an online literary magazine. Check it out!

Well, thats all for now, but I promise to give My Humanity the attention it deserves. Peace out! 🙂

The Inevitable

Last night, on our wedding anniversary, Hubby and I had the talk that will change our lives forever. I will no longer have to conjure up his reaction to my feelings and needs, as it was laid before him in the most kind way I could muster. I should never have married him. All the red flags were there before we took those binding vows. I wanted stability, and I chose to ignore what was right.  I am responsible for where we are, and I feel enormous guilt for putting him through what is to come.

He said he would change everything about himself so he doesn’t lose me. I expected this response. He wants to “fix” it. I spared him the fact that I feel no attraction for him, no passion, no deep and intense love. I feel friendship. Trying to cope with him and Ryan in a domestic situation is more than I can process. It is a stress I have to end. I am sad, don’t get me wrong. Just because I am the one ending our marriage doesn’t mean it is easy emotionally. I ache for the pain he will feel, and probably is beginning to feel at this very moment.

I am still going to follow through with “Magic Doug,” hoping there is some way to come out of this a happier and healthier woman, mother, and former spouse. I am not leaving Hubby today, or even next week. We will be able to keep peace for now, for the children.

At least our cards are on the table. Last night, I wept. Today, I’m relieved. Tomorrow is terrifying.

A Manic Day at the Ranch

I have been on the most amazing high today! I don’t know what the reason is, but I’m willing to ride the wave of mania until I puke. 🙂

I began the day with Biology class where I took the first test of the semester. My class average before the test was 101.6%. Post test, 93.7 %. I didn’t do very well, I’m sad to say. Oh well, we’re on to DNA and genetics, which I enjoy and have a knack for, so all is not lost. I must finish this class with an A, or I will wear a dunce cap and take a picture. Stay tuned…

The Tridge will be publishing two new works in the upcoming weeks! I got word yesterday, and am very excited. I submitted a work of short fiction, and another poem. Both will be published. I sent the editor a little note of appreciation for giving this emerging author a stage in which to share her work. I’m not sure if this is standard protocol, but I write with my heart, as most writers do. I want everyone who gives me a shot to be recognized for their contribution to my career.

I visited the spa today with my niece. She is a 17 year-old version of me, which I find exhilarating. We got matching pedicures…hot pink polish with cute white flowers and tiny diamonds in the middle. We giggled and talked, enjoying the massage chair and texting our friends. It was a beautiful moment in time. 🙂

Things with Hubby are peaceful. He is being understanding of my mood, leaving me to my own devices. My focus is the kids, and he seems to focus on them too. This is the most I’ve seen him interact with them in a long time. I’ve ignored the book in the closet, just biding my time until my first therapy session with “Magic Doug.” God, I hope he has some answers!

Well, I have to add the fabric softener, so this blogging session is coming to a close. Stay tuned for further developments…

Author’s Page, Therapy, and Life Changes

Well, its official, my very own author’s page has been posted at www.thetridge.com! Not only that, but they have given me the distinction of being a regular contributor of fiction and poetry. Wow!! They haven’t made a decision on my recently submitted work, but I’m sure I’ll hear shortly. So, this is what “this” feels like. The thing I’ve worked towards, dreamed of, and envisioned. Success is pure unadulterated bliss, my friends!

My next adventure will consist of psychotherapy with a guy named Doug. Yesterday I made an appointment after Ryan’s therapist recognized my depressive state. I cry easily, rage even easier, and feel like sleeping for eternity. I’m not sure of my theraputic goals, but I absolutely need to feel emotionally healthier than I currently do. I want to enjoy the things I’ve earned, and even just everyday good stuff. I found a book in Hubby’s side of the closet, “What To Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed.” It made me feel a very violent sort of rage, causing me to pick that fucker up and throw it across the room. Not my best moment. I guess my initial reaction was resentment that he would “secretly” be reading about me, and then I realized my reaction was really based on my own guilt for wanting to leave him. I mean, this is the same man who fell asleep last week when I was crying and telling him my feelings. Now he wants to read about depression?! Just listen to me, jackass!! See…the rage just keeps coming!

As for making any major life changes, I think the jury is still out on that one. I’ll see what “wonder Doug” advises during my head shrinking. Maybe I’m acting rashly. Probably not, but maybe. Either way, some things will definitely be changing, or I swear I’ll lock myself in my bedroom! See…again with the rage!

Shrinking and Sure

The week was a good one, I’m happy to report! Despite my current state of mental and emotional chaos, many things have begun to cement themselves as welcome truth.

My week began on a personal and professional high note with my first published work appearing in The Tridge. I have since submitted another poem and short work of fiction for their consideration. I’m hoping my author’s page will be updated sometime this weekend, as I’ve waited years to see my mugshot and bio in this way. I also received, in yesterday’s mail, an award of national merit for the literary competition. Although I didn’t win, it is still an important milestone for my writing to take me to the national stage.

I’m not writing as much as I probably should, but I needed to take a breather. Obsession is timeconsuming, and as of late, I haven’t had that much time available.

I’ve also had the pleasure of running into those who are dear to me at various places. Isn’t that the best? I love to find unexpected treasures while engrossed in the mundane. It’s as if the Universe is putting people in my path who uplift and encourage me. I’ve felt rather isolated from my creative counterparts as of late, and am thirsty for their company! I’ll be attending a writing workshop next week, and am very excited to let the juices flow.

On a rather vain sidenote, I went shopping yesterday and am proud to say that I purchased another size smaller! I’ve been really taking stock of “me” lately, how I feel about myself and my life. One thing that has been a thorn in my side is my left over baby weight. Despite the fact that the last time I gave birth was six years ago, I still feel justified calling my jelly belly and wide ass as baby weight. Well, I am determined to blast that fat outta here! I’m focused on changing the things I can, and accepting the things I can’t. That sounds familiar…hmmm.

How Do You Break Someone’s Heart and Not Hate Yourself?

He doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t indulge in too much drink. He isn’t unfaithful, he isn’t on drugs. He won’t see it coming, really, he’ll be shocked. How do I look the father of my children in the face and tell him I’m done?

Despite the hurtful things he’s said to me in the past ten years, I am not made of the things that would allow me the same choice. Words hurt, sorry doesn’t cut it, and you can’t take them back. I want to end our marriage amicably, causing as little destruction as possible.

He’ll say, “Nice guys never get the girl.” My actions will reinforce his opinion, possibly causing him to fail to seek his “one true love.” I want him to be happy, truly happy with the right woman. I am not her. He is not the right man for me. Really, there is no right man for me. I have no desire to be with anyone. I want to sail away to my private island.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to end the past ten years. I want us all to be better afterward; each individual feeling free, safe, loved. I want to keep his friendship, if at all possible. I don’t think he’ll agree. He’ll want to hurt me, scare me, make me feel loss.

I just want to be myself. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’m not in love, I’m not in lust, I’m nothing.

My Work Has Been Published…For Real!

Today, I am a published author! I submitted a short fiction piece, as well as a poem to an up and coming literary magazine, The Tridge. Both pieces were accepted and published today. They gave me some front page coverage, with links to my work, and a bio page.

I’ve submitted my photo and a biography, although I don’t think its uploaded yet. I am excited for this accomplishment and invite all of my faithful blog friends, as well as newbies, to check out my work.

www.thetridge.com is an innovative young literary magazine which cover broad topics in politics, music, culture. It is also a publication that attracts talented poets and writers of fiction. Check it out!

This, my friends, is a very good day! )

Balancing Act…Don’t Try This At Home!

People always say, “Marry your best friend.” Is it really that simple? Here I am, ten years after marrying my best friend, and contemplating divorce. I married my best friend, knowing the night before our wedding that it was a mistake. But, like most women, I was too concerned about the arriving guests, the food, the inconvenience of it all, to do the right thing. Now what?

When I met Hubby, I had just gone through a horrible break up, which I’ve mentioned in previous entries. He was the very essence of stability and faithfulness, and that is what I needed at that moment in time. Having had my heart demolished, I vowed to never to fall in love so deeply again. Never would I seek out a love that was worth dying for. I vowed to never again feel the passion and heat that had once ruled my soul. The self-preserving vows I made have left me with a loveless, passionless, and lonely life.

I recently talked to my mother about this, and she said she’s surprised that I’ve stayed in my marriage this long. “But my babies,” I replied. “How do I uproot our lives, taking my daughter away from her daddy, without losing her love?” Mother shook her head, “I’m not sure.”  As for Ryan, he and his father don’t have a deep connection, as Ryan’s autism, and Hubby’s Asperger’s get in the way.

I tried to communicate with Hubby the other night while sitting on the couch with the television off. He fell asleep as I was talking. Seriously? Really, he did me a favor. I’m resolved to become free of the life I created so carelessly. I don’t want to hurt him, that’s the worst part. We didn’t live together before we got married, and I didn’t know what life would be like with an Asperger spouse. It is an isolated and lonely existence. He seldom thinks of me, says the most hurtful things (“I’m more sexually attracted to my ex-girlfriend than you.”), and causes strife with the kids. He is not a bad person, just one that would’ve been better left alone.

I have been focusing on my education, which I need to see through. I need to find my way in this virgin jungle of choices, plans, and emotions. I never thought I’d end up here, but who really does? I need to keep my focus, strength, and resolve, and hope that I can keep things as balanced as possible: for me, for the kids.

testing 1,2,3

is this blog working?

Fire

I don’t know how to describe it, it’s truly indescribable. My guilty pleasure. You. In the midst of everything I’ve built around me, the energy I’ve spent to wake to every sunrise, and fall with every sunset, you were always there. So very far away, yet there.

Its so easy between us, natural and flowing. And at the same time, together, we are vibrant, explosive, and right. The world would be shocked that we could create so much magic: with words, without. And now, what do we do? I am not free of my cage, while you are wild and basic. I admire your freedom, your openness, and want to secure it for myself. I have to think…I have to plan…I have to quit being a coward and accept. I have to face the inevitable change of course.

You make me strong, and hopeful. We are good…so good. Baby and Sweet Boy. By a candel’s warm glow,  and a 700 mile distance, you give me light; you give me life.

My guilty pleasure, my love, my fire.